Connections

It can be stressful dealing with school.

I’m a perfectionist and highly competitive when it comes to knowledge and being the smartest person in the room. In my mind, that’s all I’m good for. I don’t have the looks nor adequate social skills, so my only hope is my intelligence. My only saving grace is my book smarts.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve been told that I’m smart. My parents, my teachers, my tutors, friends, and random people have all said so. They aren’t right. I’ll let admit my darkest secret now. I bullshit everything. The only reason I appear so smart is that I have a very good LTM. I remember things as far back as when I was a toddler. I remember things I’m told. I remember things I’ve read. I remember things I’ve seen. It’s all just my memory.

In reality, I’m quite lazy. I hardly ever study and it’s a miracle that I’m getting A’s in school.

However, when someone else trumps me in the intelligence department, my self-worth foundation comes crumbling. I begin to resent that person and hope for their downfall. I look for them to trip up. It used to be worse when I was younger, but I started to hate my own feelings. I don’t like disliking someone. It’s so disheartening.

When you don’t like someone, in essence, you don’t like yourself. We are all connected. There’s a song by that very name created by a musician called melodysheep. It’s part of their Symphony of Science playlist. In it there is this chorus, “We are all connected; to each other biologically, to the Earth chemically, to the rest of the universe atomically” (Niel deGrasse Tyson). That phrase blows my mind in its truth.

Even before I heard that song, I believed that it’s your own self-dislike that makes us dislike others. We see ourselves in each other. That is why when I feel intimidated by someone else’s intelligence I teach myself to like them. It’s hard but not impossible. This self-teaching has significantly reduced my anxiety. I learn not to compete so heavily against them in a ire-fueled mindset. I learned to appreciate the beauty of other’s.

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