He arrived late due to the rain. When he arrived the storm clouds had taken a remission, allowing the sun to shine through. Lilly, with a sharp bark, ran out to greet him. The nerves could be felt between us as he entered the front hall.
Walking into the family room, I beckoned for him to join me near the fireplace. He obliged and put his arm around me after sitting down. I wanted that but doubt and fear caused me to lean away. To hesitate.
“I realized we barely know each other”, I nervously laughed while breaking away.
“Is it because of the arm”, he asked with a look of nervous worry on his face.
I gave a small laugh, “yea,sorry”. I got up and went to the couch after grabbing a blanket. He followed. Turning to him I asked, “Are you cold?”.
“Yea, I could use a blanket”.
I covered both of us with the blanket and started up Netflix. It took the usual battle of politeness and decision before we finally settled on a horror movie.
“Looks like the rain started again”, he remarked.
“It did?” I looked over my shoulder to glance out the glass doors.
We cuddled up closer. I was nestled in the space created by his body, arm, and the couch. His free arm was wrapped around me; sometimes venturing down from my shoulder to my waist. Butterflies would flutter in my stomach every time.
Even then it felt good. I did not know if it felt right. I was happy though.
I played with his beard at times. However, most of the time my hand was intertwined with his. His hands were small. I could hear his thumping heartbeat despite being inches away. If I looked close enough, a minuscule layer of sweat around his forehead became visible. Was he nervous? My nerves were up in a flurry as well but were hopefully better masked.
Wellington suddenly asked, “Do you want to try that New year’s kiss”.
“Did you ever get a New Year’s kiss?”. He turned away from me and my question. Embarrassed? Guilty? His reaction made me want to laugh. Why so embarrassed? Why so guilty? He hadn’t done anything wrong.
“Yea…”, he said with a meek, nervousness.
“I’ll admit I’m a bit jealous”, I laughed while snuggling up closer to him. He took his hand and moved my face towards him. I just looked at him. We kissed. My eyes were open, looking at him. His eyes were closed. Why do people close their eyes? When it ended it was me who pulled away.
The movie continued on. We watched for awhile, relaxing in each other’s warmth. A kiss would be exchanged intermittently. When the movie ended the kissing became more passionate. He maneuvered me on top of him while our lips were interlocked. I laughed as he struggled to unhook my bra.
“Why are boys so useless when it comes to taking off a bra”, I joked while taking off my bra.
Soon, he was on top of me struggling to undo my jeans. Again, I laughed at the situation and jokingly whispered, “useless”, before asking if he had brought protection.
“No, I can run to the store to get some though”
Hesitance and doubt ran through my mind.
“No don’t. It’s fine. This can wait for another day”.
“this” did not wait for another day. “this” happened after a short interval of indecision and impulsiveness.
He went to the store and upon his return we went up stairs to B1’s (unoccupied at the time) room and had sex on the top bunk-bed. It did not last that long and was lackluster. As usual the foreplay was far better than the main play.
He was now noticeably sweating after being on top of me for the few minutes that he had. My mind began to wonder. I was not into it. I wanted him off of me. I needed to get him off of me.
“Are you done yet?, I asked. the look on his face that followed made me instantly feel guilty. “Oh geez…”, I thought. He finished and got off of me. I felt guilty now. I wanted to try again. See if I could get myself into it, but it was too late. He was finished. I was inconsiderate again and commented, “Is that really all?”.
The movies, shows, and books all give us a portrayal of a moment shared between two lovers. A moment when two people connect in utter serenity. It’s usually preceded by a dramatic event, kiss, or sex. The two people sit in silence only broken by small conversations; some parts frivolous, some parts intimate. I imagined having one of these moments, but I never realized how stunning it would really be.
It happened with Wellington. We hardly knew each other, yet at that moment we knew each other. We knew each other’s presence, demeanor, touch.
When we had entered B1’s room I had turned on the melodic music of Alina Baraz. Now as we sat on the edge of the bed, her music seemed to play louder. We cuddled. His arm was around my shoulder. My head rested on his collarbone while his rested on the top of my head. We stayed there, looking down at our feet dangling over the floor below. Time felt endless. Time felt stopped. Time wasn’t real. I did not want it to be. I loved everything in this moment. I thanked life for putting me in a moment so blissful. I loved it.
Time started up again once I saw that my older sister would be home from work in a short while. I quickly hurried him out. I didn’t even give him time to tie his shoes before pushing him out the door and into the pouring rain. I watched him walk to his car before closing the door.
I know I rushed. I know he was nervous. I know I was nervous. I know we had sex. I did not know if we liked each other.