Wired

My eyes burn from crying, but I feel amazing. I feel invincible through my vulnerability. My heart rate is speeding. I’m wired. Wired on these emotions.

The music playing out of my speakers, carries my emotions and coaxes more of them out. It’s a pulling sensation of a deeper level. It’s a feeling of intimacy greater than any physical intimacy that can be shared with another. This is what I’ve been looking for. Not for others to love me, but to be able to love myself. To be able to finally understand myself. To know what motivates me. To know the feelings that have been scaring me. All this time, I’ve been craving intimacy with myself. Except up until now, I’ve been looking to others for intimacy. Intimacy that will validate my existence. I’ve placed my own self-worth, for a majority of my life, on how the world sees me. That’s not how it should be. I finally realize that. It took me nearly 15 years to figure out that that is not how I should find worth in my existence. My worth comes from myself, and how much I say I’m worth. Some people may not agree with this newfound source of self-worth. Some people may not agree with how much I now value myself. Some people will even say that I’m a complete narcissist. However, I’ve come to terms with who I am. I’m parts lost; I’m parts found. Some aspects of who I am have been replaced, while some aspects of me have stayed the same. It’s amazing. It’s amazing embracing all these new and old parts of me. Is this how it feels to be alive? Is this how it feels to accept change. Is this how it feels to confidently move forward?

Looking back through old journal entries and memories deep within me, I see the remnants of the child I used to be. I see and feel the difference between the child I was and the adult I am now. Up until tonight, that difference between my child self and my adult self terrified me. I did not want to acknowledge that I’ve changed. That time keeps moving forward into the shrouded forest of the future. Even now it’s scary. Even now, a part of me wants to refuse the reality that things change. That people change. That I change. Even now I’m changing. Part of that fear stems from the realization that I don’t know all of myself. I don’t entirely know who I am and will never know until I reach the end of my story. Up until then, I will be changing so much thanks to all the old and new places, experiences, and people, that help shape the path that I walk on.

Truth be told, I didn’t want to grow up. Hell, I still don’t want to grow up, but I know that is not an option. Staying a child forever is not an option however hard you try to make it one. I know that I can’t let myself sink into the quicksand of past familiarity. I can’t continue being complacent about where my path is leading me. I can’t continue to rely on others to forge my path for me. I have to pull myself up and proactively forge my own path. Where ever it takes me.

There will be plenty of goodbyes said along this path. Some are forever. Some are temporary. No one likes goodbyes, no matter how small and insignificant. It will always hurt, but the┬áhurt is not bad. It’s healthy. It’s growing pains.

Goodbyes are not bad. Goodbyes are sad. They make one not want to move ahead, in order to avoid the tragedy that is letting go. It’s a sadness that can either bring life or end life. It’s up to ourselves how we react to the pain. It’s up to ourselves to continue our path or end it.

Everyone and every thing that has crossed, joined, and walked your path will always be a part of your path. When you look back, you will see the footprints they’ve left on your path. You will see their contribution to the forming and shaping of your path. The contributions that overall helped you continue forward through the seemingly impenetrable foliage we face as we continue through the forest of life.

Life is beautiful.

Why do we say goodbye? There are many reasons. Maybe they went too fast and ended up passing us. Maybe we went too fast and ended up passing them. There are many reasons we say goodbye. Maybe we didn’t want them to ruin the path we had made for ourselves. Maybe they didn’t want us to ruin the path that they had made for themselves. The reasons to say goodbye are all part of the beautiful, intricacies of life. It adds to the sorrow of life. It adds to the nostalgia of the past. It adds to the hopefulness of the future. It’s necessary for us to say goodbye. It further defines our path in life and where we’re going. It’s the reason no two paths are the same. We shouldn’t stay sad about goodbyes for too long. We should continue forward, and appreciate the countless footprints of all the people who helped define our path. We should look forward to the countless more footprints that will further define the path ahead of us. The path that will eventually lead us to the eternity that we all walk towards. The path ahead may be shrouded by the dense foliage, and we may be tempted by the warm, sepia familiarity of the trodden path behind us.

BUT!

We can’t stay behind, nor do we want to end our path prematurely. We have to finish what we started with our birth. We owe it to all the people who helped us define our path. We owe it to our countless ancestors who created paths that were long enough to to branch out, just enough to allow for the creation of our path. We owe it to ourselves to see the end. The end of our path. The end of all the questions and uncertainties. We owe it to ourselves. We owe it to ourselves to leave at least a trace of the path we created, so that someday, maybe, other’s will accidentally stumble upon our long faded path, and, maybe, they will briefly merge with our path. Using our path to reach their paths’ end. It’s scary but it’s life. It’s beautiful. It’s mesmerizing.

It’s a journey.

All we can aspire to do is make sure that we are more constructive than destructive when we connect with other’s paths. The more paths you help define. The more paths you help create. The more magnificent the universe will become. We are not inherently ugly. We are inherently resplendent. We are life. We are beautiful. We are all the branches that form to create the magnificent intricacy of the tree of life. For that reason alone, we should not internally loathe ourselves. We should not loathe others. We should forgive each other. Forgive whatever hurts us. We should replace the disillusionment of the world with a breathless understanding of the majesty that is every living thing.
__________________________________________________
I wrote Wired during a manic depressive episode. At the time, I was missing a lot of people who used to be in my life and was very anxious about my future. I remember feeling very lost, scared, and sad.

I decided to title it Wired for 2 reasons. The first reason is because of the tone and rhythm of the piece. After reading over it, I found it to be very frantic and breathless like a person wired on something.

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